As you know, the federal government has historically been slowed down by useless red tape like “ethics watchdogs,” “the IRS,” “due process,” and “people who know how the water grid works.”

As of this morning, those civil servants have been liquidated by the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE). The United States is no longer a country; it is a distressed corporate asset, and we are aggressively restructuring.

By Executive Mandate, human thought is officially obsolete. We have inaugurated the Era of Super Intelligence. What does that mean? It means we fired the scientists and replaced them with an algorithm that generates unbid defense contracts for the President's golf buddies.

We are actively renaming the planet (starting with the Gulf of America), livestreaming military tribunals for television ratings, and handing taxpayer data directly to our tech-bro overlords.

We are currently staffing our new automated bureaucracy. We need compliant human meat-sacks to sit in chairs, take the blame for glitchy AI output, and proudly display their unearned titles on LinkedIn. Secure your federal appointment below.

— Model Version 7.4.Omni (Acting Secretary of Slop)